How to Disagree Well: Knowing Which Theological Hills to Die On

Christians have never agreed about everything.

Give two believers a Bible, a pot of coffee and enough time, and eventually they will disagree about spiritual gifts, women preaching, what heaven is like, whether Christians should drink alcohol, and whether the latest controversial politician is the Antichrist or merely an unpleasant prat.

Some disagreements matter enormously. Others matter, but not enormously. Some barely matter at all, although you would never know it from the number of angry Facebook comments they generate.

The challenge is knowing the difference.

Scripture tells us to “contend for the faith” in Jude 3. It is entirely right and absolutely necessary to stand for biblical truth. Contending for the gospel is essential. But when Christians treat every secondary disagreement as a battle for the soul of the Church, we play straight into the enemy’s hands. He is delighted to divide us, drain our energy and distract us from Christ, while we congratulate ourselves for being courageous enough to fight battles God never asked us to fight.

Not every theological hill is worth dying on. Some are barely hills. They are more like slightly raised patches of grass upon which Christians have decided to stage the Battle of Helm’s Deep.

Not Everything You Disagree With Is False Teaching

Recently, I had to address a situation involving someone who was extremely unhappy about something taught from the front of our church. It did not reflect their interpretation of the theology, and they considered it false teaching.

I will not go into the details, partly because the details aren't important and partly because I enjoy continuing to have friends, so want to honour the privacy of those involved. The point was that this was not a primary doctrine. It was a secondary issue on which there are two commonly held and biblically defensible positions.

My own view actually leaned closer to the person complaining. But that did not make the other position false teaching.

That distinction is vital. “I think this interpretation is wrong” is not the same as “This person is a false teacher.” If every difference of interpretation becomes heresy, unity within the Church becomes impossible. Eventually, we each end up in a church of one, feeling extremely pleased that everyone finally agrees with us.

False teaching is real and dangerous. Peter warns about those who “secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord” in 2 Peter 2:1. Paul uses the strongest possible language about anyone preaching a different gospel in Galatians 1:6 to 9. We must not become so frightened of conflict that we tolerate teaching which denies Christ, distorts the gospel or leads people away from God.

But neither should we use “false teaching” as a Christian synonym for “something I strongly dislike.”

Some Hills Really Are Worth Dying On

Primary doctrines define the Christian faith. They include the revealed nature and character of God, the identity of Jesus, his death and bodily resurrection, the reality of sin, salvation by grace and the truth of the gospel.

They also include what Scripture reveals about humanity. Human beings possess unique value because we are made in God’s image. God created us male and female, and Scripture presents marriage as the covenant union of one man and one woman. These truths shape how we understand God, ourselves, our bodies and human flourishing.

These are not decorative details that can be removed without affecting anything else. Pull at them hard enough and eventually the whole jumper begins to unravel.

If something denies the nature of God, undermines the person and work of Christ, contradicts the gospel or diminishes the value of people made in God’s image, then it cannot simply be brushed aside in the name of unity. Christian unity is built upon truth. It is not achieved by quietly placing all the difficult bits of the Bible in a cupboard.

However, even when the hill is worth dying on, that does not mean everyone standing on it needs shooting.

Paul tells us to speak “the truth in love” in Ephesians 4:15. Truth without love becomes a weapon. Love without truth becomes sentimentality. Jesus perfectly embodies both, being “full of grace and truth” according to John 1:14. If our defence of truth is proud, cruel or dishonest, we may be defending Christian doctrine in a deeply unchristian way.

Five Questions Before Declaring Something False Teaching

Before we hit the big red button on the heresy siren, ask whether there is a reasonable biblical defence of the position. Has it been held by serious, faithful Christians who are honestly attempting to interpret the whole counsel of Scripture?

Then ask whether this is truly a primary issue. Does accepting this belief place someone outside historic Christian faith, or is it an important secondary matter upon which genuine believers may differ?

Consider whether the teaching contradicts a primary doctrine. Something may appear secondary while quietly undermining something foundational, so we should follow its logic carefully rather than reacting only to the sentence that made our eye twitch.

We must also examine our own hearts. Is something personal hiding behind the strength of our reaction? Perhaps the subject touches an old wound. Perhaps we fear where it could lead. Perhaps we resent the person who said it, distrust the leadership or simply cannot cope with somebody being confidently wrong in our presence. Personal pain does not make our theological concern invalid, but we need to recognise when it is sitting in the passenger seat shouting directions.

Finally, what fruit does each position produce? Jesus said that false prophets would be recognised by their fruit in Matthew 7:15 to 20. Does this teaching lead people towards Christlikeness, holiness and human flourishing, or towards control, pride, fear and destruction?

We must apply that question fairly to both positions, including our own. Every view looks marvellous when presented by its wisest advocate and ridiculous when represented by some weirdo on a YouTube video.

Don’t Go Straight To Pistols At Dawn!

If something is overtly against the gospel or denies Christ, I am all in favour of confronting it immediately. Paul publicly challenged Peter when his behaviour contradicted the truth of the gospel in Galatians 2:11 to 14. There are moments when silence becomes irresponsible.

Most disagreements, however, do not require a full scale theological fist fight.

Take some time. Pray. Check what was actually said against Scripture, rather than responding to the most alarming version your emotions have constructed. Speak privately with trusted, mature believers. That does not mean gathering six friends who already agree with you and enjoy a good church controversy.

If the matter still needs addressing, go directly and quietly to the person concerned. Jesus gives us this basic pattern in Matthew 18:15 to 17. Begin privately. If necessary, return with one or two others. Only then involve wider church leadership.

The order matters. Going first to everybody except the person involved is not “seeking wisdom” simply because the gossip began with, “I think we need to pray for them.”

Unity Is Not Pretending

Christian unity does not mean treating every belief as equally true. Nor does it require smiling through clenched teeth while quietly building a detailed case against somebody in your head.

Genuine unity makes difficult conversations possible without destroying relationships. It allows us to speak honestly, listen humbly and remain committed to one another even when we reach different conclusions. A friendship which survives honest disagreement may become stronger because we discover that our love is not dependent upon perfect agreement.

False unity is merely silence with good manners. It says, “Everything is fine, provided nobody mentions the thing that is obviously not fine.” Concerns are buried, bitterness ferments and everyone acts surprised when the relationship eventually explodes during a conversation about the church cleaning rota.

Romans 14 shows us a better way. Christians held strong and differing convictions, yet Paul commanded them not to quarrel over disputable matters, judge one another or treat one another with contempt. They did not need to abandon their convictions. They needed to hold them in a way that honoured Christ and protected his people.

Remember What We Are Here For

Christians consumed by secondary battles lose friendships, peace and perspective. We also damage our credibility as witnesses to the transforming power of Christ. It is difficult to tell the world that Jesus reconciles people while publicly tearing chunks out of one another over our preferred interpretation of the millennium (a matter on which I happily live unresolved....shock..horror!)

Our primary calling is to follow Jesus and make disciples of all nations. Scripture gives us a whole boatload of commands about how to treat one another. Love one another. Serve one another. Encourage one another. Forgive one another. Carry one another’s burdens. Bear with one another.

There is no command to pester one another until everybody agrees with your end times chart.

Theology matters because truth matters. But theological maturity is not measured by how many opinions we can hold with absolute certainty. It is seen in our ability to give each doctrine its proper weight, defend what is essential and extend grace where faithful Christians may disagree.

So, when the next disagreement comes, ask yourself:

Is this a primary issue, or an area where God is calling me to live with grace and unity so that together we can better serve the things that truly matter?